“I just don’t know where I belong,” my friend told me the other day. His face told me he meant it too. But then I looked around the room and realized that there was a good chance we all felt that way. I stopped him and asked the two other people in the room. One, a quirky Chinese woman, nodded and said that Chinese people just don’t get her and that she was happy to leave her home in the south but doesn’t like her new northern surroundings. Her husband/significant other/boyfriend/person didn’t finish his response but basically said that he’s just accepted that he’s not going to find that sense of belonging. He belongs on the edge of any place he goes. Being in a cross cultural relationship won’t make finding where they belong any easier.
For one of us it was about race. For another it was about escaping the backwoods of the backwoods. For me it’s an emotional disconnect that I used to think was about intelligence but was probably just immaturity. Different causes for the same emotion, the same sense of disconnect.
When I was living in France I told an acquaintance that I had always felt like an outsider wherever I went. He told me, “That makes you a real writer.” I smiled and nodded. At the time, I thought he was dead on. He made my struggle to connect with people into some kind of coolness badge that I could wear around. I was happy to. Now I think that’s a stupid thing to say.
So I told my friend that his problem wasn’t special. I had to toe the line between him hearing, “big deal,” and him missing the point entirely. I think I got it right. It helped to have the others backing me up. That was important though. Special problems are much heavier than routine ones. Uncharted territories are a lot trickier than well worn paths. Realizing that his struggle wasn’t so unique made it manageable.
And your problems aren’t unique either. Sure, the details might be different and you might have to adapt the solutions accordingly, but the bulk of it is a human problem. One that people share and have shared and will share. Take the pressure off yourself. Open up to people and you’ll find some who feel the same. Let people shoulder some of the burden or show you the way.
You know, it’s not even special to feel special. Pretty much everyone thinks they’re a unique case. It’s messing up everyone’s happiness and career, too. The world is trying to tell you that you aren’t so different and it’s going to hurt you every time you’re told.
Worst of all, thinking you’re special in ways you aren’t will get in the way of being special in the ways you are.
Reed
Dec 1, 2011 -
Well Brent, it’s Reed again and I have one major thought for you about being special. The way I feel special everyday is knowing how cool I am! Now, Yes, this does sound somewhat egotistical but thats not my meaning. It doesn’t matter where I am in the world I always feel special! One reason for this is because of my love for God and knowing it is returned more over than I can ever imagine. My immediate family is another. Just the knowledge that I’ve got people counting on my existance makes me feel whole. The last thought that you can take most to heart is this; Brothers/Siblings. You, Brent, are where the reason for my feelings of special come in. All of you! My siblings that is. You’re my brother for life and if that doesn’t make me feel special then I’ve got some reassessing to do. I may be a bit further in life than you (in some ways) but I know that whatever my problems may be, I can always share that burden with my five best friends! That in itself is more special to me than anything that money can buy! Thus, my feelings of “being” special, of “being” cool.
Love ya, Reed
Brent
Dec 2, 2011 -
Reed, I think that’s the most important way a person could ever feel special. Essentially, being loved and accepted. We all have to remember that there’s a lot of strength there and to never isolate from it because we’re struggling with a problem that feels like it can’t be shared.
Jack
Dec 2, 2011 -
Brent, interesting reading – made me think of the Beatles’ Within You, Without You that played on my ipod at the gym this morning. And something else – a wise guy said to me once that a really interesting, and difficult, place to live is in ambiguity-ville. Is it our nature or our Western culture, or both, that encourages us to try and pin everything down, utter absolutes, declare emphatically? It seems better to explore with a real sense of openness, not knowing what you’ll find. You may find is others like you, other special/ordinary people, exploring, too.
Brent
Dec 2, 2011 -
Thanks for reading, Jack. I just listened to the song a couple of times and the themes are very similar. Feeling special is one of the ways that people “hide themselves behind a wall of illusion,” in their words.
Jessie
Dec 3, 2011 -
First of all, love your blog. I’m so happy to get to hear your thoughts when you’re so far away. I’ve never “followed” a blog before so we’ll see if I can figure it out. …. I know the feeling you describe very well. I have often thought it was because I am an only child, but I guess it is universal to feel misunderstood. The other day I was telling someone at what age I stopped being a moody, broody teenager, and then I realized that I haven’t reached it yet. I too have taken pride in being arsty, moody, introspective, or whatever you call it. I am curious what you mean that this feeling is messing up people’s happiness and career. How can I get happier?
Brent
Dec 3, 2011 -
Thanks, Jessie! Check out the links that I just added at the bottom. I meant to link them before but forgot. Her blog is great. She’s open and honest and a lot of the advice is tailored to people just starting their careers or trying to find what they want. Let me know what you think.
My First Marriage is Over | Space for Thinking
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