My senior teacher watched me teach an unsuccessful class by my (or almost any) standards. Things that sucked:
- We played Simon Says even though only a handful of the students understood the rules.
- I gave them a simple survey activity that ended up being too difficult for them. When I tried to make it easier, they got confused by the changes and never got a chance to actually talk to one another. That means we didn’t complete one of our main goals, the speaking assessment.
- During the speaking activity I had an “I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Oh my God, what are we going to do next?” moment. “What should we do next?” moments are normal and part of teaching. Feeling frozen and clueless isn’t. That lasted for at least a minute.
- I set up the final activity wrong so instead of all the students being involved, nearly everyone watched while two or three students fought to complete tasks on the interactive white board. It ended up being nothing more than three kids crowding around the whiteboard and scribbling.
It made me sick that he watched such a mess of a class. This is my most difficult group of students but it had never been this bad. The class is a difficult one for several reasons:
- They’re all about nine years old and working on the beginner level. We’re doing basic descriptions and body parts to give you an idea of their level.
- I see them at six thirty on Wednesday evenings after they’ve already been at school for eight hours. So they’re tired, but not calm and sedate tired. They’re “I can’t focus and I don’t want to sit still” tired.
- I’m their teacher for every other class. I’m never quite sure what they’ll know when I see them. When I plan for this class, I often don’t have a strong sense of what will be difficult for them or how they will react to activities.
So my senior teacher watches me give a class that doesn’t live up to my expectations. A class where I fail to achieve one of my aims and have a moment of total bewilderment. Then I spend a week waiting for him to organize his notes and schedule a feedback session. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to facing up to my disappointment.
Feedback consisted of him asking me a bunch of questions that I struggled to answer. It went kind of like this:
“How can you give instructions for a Simon Says activity?” (which we did in class)
“I can provide a model and give several examples, using body language to convey what students should and shouldn’t do. I could draw an example on the board or even ask a strong student to translate.”
“Why didn’t you do that?”
“I don’t know. I usually do that in my other classes.”
“Okay. How can you arrange the room so that you have more control over speaking activities?
“Well in a lot of my other classes I’ll put students in rows or small groups of three instead of letting them roam. I guess I could do that for this class too.”
Over and over, the answer included me knowing what to do but just not using fundamental strategies for this class. That helped me realize that the difficulty of the class was making me rush and abandon my strengths. Knowing that it was going to be difficult made me abandon a lot of the strategies that help me succeed in other classes. But this class is still built up of the same pieces that other classes are. There’s just less margin for error and things move faster. Because I was focusing in the diminished margin of error, I lost focus of the fact that I knew all the building blocks and how they could fit. It’s the same thing as the idea in sports that if you can make an opponent play faster than he’s used to, he’ll make uncharacteristic mistakes. So if you’re dealing with anything like this class, make sure you’re not abandoning what you do well just because you know it will be tougher than usual. You’re making it worse for yourself like I was.
Not as easy as it looks
Sitting with someone and going over the details of your disappointment isn’t exactly fun. Part of me wanted to cry. My legs were ready to run away. I wanted out. My senior teacher was nice and professional but no matter how nice the person sitting next to you is, it’s hard to stare at your own shortcomings for an hour. If he had just watched a different class, I would’ve gotten a pat on the back and a few small criticisms. That’s all my ego wanted. It didn’t want anyone to see my shortcomings. I like when people tell me I’m good at things. Instead, I was stuck in a room for an hour long therapy session and questionnaire.
I had my breakthrough when he told me, “It looks like you’re trying to put space between you and the class. Like you want to be closer to the door than the kids.” That was what I needed. In a moment, I realized that he was exactly right. That I was distancing myself from the class physically and emotionally. I was trying to get through the class instead of engaging with it. My number one problem had nothing to do with teaching technique or theory and everything to do with my emotional state.
This isn’t the solution I expected. I thought it would be logical or technical and that my analytical brain would have to build an answer. Instead, it was an emotional thing that has been part of my personality for my entire life. When I was unhappy or in trouble as a kid, I would hide under piles of clothes in my closet. I never responded when people shouted that they were looking for me. I just wanted to hide from whatever difficulty it was. I was hiding as much as possible in this class. Away from the kids, near the door and afraid to speak up and take control. The class had become a problem to distance myself from. I’m having more success teaching the class now because I’m making a conscious effort to engage with and embrace the difficulties, just like I do under more favorable situations.Without an outside perspective, it’s often really hard to tell where a problem is coming in. I assumed something in my logic was wrong but it was all about emotions in the end. Use the people you trust to find out what the real issue and then get to work.
I wouldn’t have learned these things without the support of the teacher who worked with me. It was hard enough to face my difficulties with a supportive person at my side. It wouldn’t have happened with someone I didn’t trust. Dealing with failure isn’t easy but I know I’ll be a little bit better at it next time it comes around. Just like a class of unruly Chinese kids, failure can be scary, but you need to engage with it and work at it instead of withdrawing and trying to hide.
Photo source: http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=272169
Jack
Dec 5, 2011 -
Brent, I’m the same way when it come to criticism, I really felt the impact of what you were saying. For some reason I thought of an acting class I took years ago in which the teacher really criticized something about what I was trying to do, can’t even remember what it was now, but I remember wanting to hide, to just get the fuck out of there, but also wanting to take in what he said because I respected him, and was curious about, what he had to say. For me the wanting to hide, to escape, was part of my fucked-up notion of pleasing people, like in the acting class I had displeased the teacher. Good stuff, Brent, the struggle is always worth it and your self-insight seems very keen.
Brent
Dec 6, 2011 -
I had a totally split mind about what was happening just like you say. My instincts were screaming at me to get out but I knew logically that this was the most helpful thing I could do. Dealing with criticism and learning from your shortcomings should get a bit easier with practice. At least I hope so.
Mohsan Gei Wo
Dec 6, 2011 -
After reading this, a number a cliches went through my mind in order to console you but you only need to take one step back and address your past; your accomplishments in academia, sports and leisure speak for themselves. You and I both know that these triumphs took time and perseverance both attributes which are complimented by your very nature. One only needs address the reason for their setbacks and learn from them. As you said “Dealing with criticism and learning from your shortcomings should get a bit easier with practice”. I’ll finish this with a much needed cliché; “always remember that Rome was not built in a day”. You are a strong and logical person; take it in your stride dear fellow.
Brent
Dec 6, 2011 -
Thanks. You’re right about taking things in stride and applying what I’ve learned. If I look back and I’m not careful in my thinking, it’s easy to say, “I’m good at these other things because I’m good and special. Why am I not good at this new thing already?” But no one reaches a high level because they’re special, only because they work at. So I have to have the confidence to work hard and go through the process again instead of expecting smooth sailing that doesn’t exist.
Seona
Dec 6, 2011 -
Brent, I know what you mean about teaching at 18:30. I see my kids at that time of day and I often find them totally unable to even focus on a conversation with me let alone approach a new topic and understand it and complete any exercises that I have prepared. I have had to insist that they drink water and have a quick snack…not always easy in certain situations. I see your point too about emotionally engaging and not having your eye on the door. My last lesson prep, I really looked at the work from their point of view and not just as work they had to do for me to be able to tick the Future Tense of the list of things covered. Funnily enough the kids left the lesson excited at the thought of sitting down to dinner with their families and testing them to see if they knew the correct use of ‘will’ or ‘going to’!! It is such a great feeling when you know that they have had a light-bulb moment, especially when compared to a runaway lesson that leaves you in a cold sweat and wondering where the hell it all went so wrong!
Loving your blog, your writing style is very enjoyable to read. Looking forward to the next post. Sx
Brent
Dec 6, 2011 -
Thanks Seona. We sometimes have the opposite problem when it comes to snacks. The kids arrive like half an hour early and their grandparents load them up on sugar. No one knows why, it just happens that way.
Looking at things from the kids’ perspective is probably the most important skill I’m learning in this job. If I can empathize and adapt my style all the way down to that level, I know I can do it in any other context. That’s still very much a work in progress though.
Where are you teaching these days?
Uncle Husker
Dec 8, 2011 -
Brent,
I like the blog – ‘A space for thinking’; very clever – it makes sense to be able to write/talk about what is going on in your life right now; especially because you’re in such a unique position and to be on your own makes one think a lot…about a lot of things – it’s certainly a great way to connect with friends/family and feel connected as well, since you’re so far away – writing like this will open you up in many ways as well – when you put something out positive, you will get something back from it as well – keep it up! what prompted the pictures that you have at the top of the home page? i love the ’17′ point train card from the ATL to SF –
The ‘thanks for watching me suck at my job’ made me think about a few things; first of all it’s honest and you’re being honest with youself which is great – it can be hard to be completely honest with yourself and others as you’re doing here, but it’s a good thing to do so again, keep it up – if we’re honest with ourselves and aware of what’s going on around us and the way we respond in situations there will be times throughout out lives where we see our strengths and faults – thats great that you were able to have a breakout moment about how you need to be more engaged with your class and how this related to your own personality/past traits- some of it could be our personality, but we’re not the most emotional family/people as you know – while we’re really good people and have a lot to offer, we could be more engaged/engaging – i’ve been met with many situations and people (having a significant other will certainly do that) that have shown me that being engaged/staying aware/showing more emotion is a good thing -
“Once in a while you get shown in the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right” – The Grateful Dead
BTW feedback desert, not dessert…….
Brent
Dec 8, 2011 -
Yeah, the banner image is just some game pieces and stuff I had lying around thrown together. I wanted to have lots of things with sentimental value in the photo, but everything I have here is really practical. I’m sure I’ll change the banner at some point but I just needed something to start with.
Honesty is one of my primary goals with the blog. What I write just won’t be useful for people unless it’s honest.
Thanks for reading, Ryan.
Uncle Husker
Dec 8, 2011 -
I forgot to mention that reading this ‘sucking simon says blog’ definitely made me laugh; I can certainly relate as teaching can be tough – I’ve been in those situations where it’s like, “oh man, this is not how i visioned this lesson going, get me out of here!” At least you got something good out of it and can laugh looking back on it…
Brent
Dec 9, 2011 -
I taught that class again yesterday and it keeps getting better. It will probably always be different than my other classes and more challenging, but I’m definitely finding a comfort zone.